Here's my attempt at writing. Constructive criticisms are very much welcome. I would love to hear your comments to better my writing. =)
It is highly recommended that you play the video while reading.
I still believe in destiny. Serendipity. If by chance you read this letter, then I'll know that it was meant to be.
I can hear you saying already, "If you really wanted to tell me, you would've talked to me". So before judging gets the best of you, allow these words I have to say to come out.
You have always regarded me as a child. Immature and stubborn. Hard-headed even. I guess you can say that's true. Because I have always seen love in the eyes of a child. A blissful teenager who believes in fate. Soulmates. I've always believed that when two people are meant to be, it will be. Yes, I'm a child. A dreamer.
I wanted us to be like that. Destined. Soulmates. I wanted you to be the perfect other pair of hands that will fill the void in between mine. I wanted you to be the perfect other being to press his body against mine when going into sweet embrace, never needing to change the rhythm of my breathing to match his. Our hearts would beat at the same pace, unknowingly and unaware, shoulders drop and rise at the same time. Breathing at the same pace, our hearts beating almost at the same rhythm. You may have not noticed, but every time we locked in these embraces I whispered, "Meant to be."
My hand fit your hand right.
In our sweet embraces, we did breathe at the same rhythm.
That was destiny.
But yet again you were right. I am no longer a child. You are no longer a child. We are no longer children. And reality started to bite.
I lost myself in you, baby.
So many days and nights I would wake up, look in the mirror and ask,
"Who are you? I do not know you".
I learned a lot of things from you. You made me feel things I never felt. Part of me is grateful for bringing out the best in me and the things I never thought I could be. Part of me is confused for making me into someone I was not. I tried to reach out to you. To let you know that I was lost. That I started to feel like a stranger to someone I've known all my life - me. And every time I tried to tell you, you pushed me away. I wanted to tell you this is not me you're loving. Its a stranger. A stranger whose name is also "me".
I could make a list of all the things you made me do, that the real me would not have done.
I could make a list of all the things I put up with you, that the real me would not have done, to make my point valid. Rational at the very least. But I won't. Because this is not about keeping score. Not anymore.
I can hear you saying already, "If you really wanted to tell me, you would've talked to me". So before judging gets the best of you, allow these words I have to say to come out.
You have always regarded me as a child. Immature and stubborn. Hard-headed even. I guess you can say that's true. Because I have always seen love in the eyes of a child. A blissful teenager who believes in fate. Soulmates. I've always believed that when two people are meant to be, it will be. Yes, I'm a child. A dreamer.
I wanted us to be like that. Destined. Soulmates. I wanted you to be the perfect other pair of hands that will fill the void in between mine. I wanted you to be the perfect other being to press his body against mine when going into sweet embrace, never needing to change the rhythm of my breathing to match his. Our hearts would beat at the same pace, unknowingly and unaware, shoulders drop and rise at the same time. Breathing at the same pace, our hearts beating almost at the same rhythm. You may have not noticed, but every time we locked in these embraces I whispered, "Meant to be."
My hand fit your hand right.
In our sweet embraces, we did breathe at the same rhythm.
That was destiny.
But yet again you were right. I am no longer a child. You are no longer a child. We are no longer children. And reality started to bite.
I lost myself in you, baby.
So many days and nights I would wake up, look in the mirror and ask,
"Who are you? I do not know you".
I learned a lot of things from you. You made me feel things I never felt. Part of me is grateful for bringing out the best in me and the things I never thought I could be. Part of me is confused for making me into someone I was not. I tried to reach out to you. To let you know that I was lost. That I started to feel like a stranger to someone I've known all my life - me. And every time I tried to tell you, you pushed me away. I wanted to tell you this is not me you're loving. Its a stranger. A stranger whose name is also "me".
I could make a list of all the things you made me do, that the real me would not have done.
I could make a list of all the things I put up with you, that the real me would not have done, to make my point valid. Rational at the very least. But I won't. Because this is not about keeping score. Not anymore.
"I know its hard, but you will hurt a few in telling the truth."
Baby...
you make me sad
you hurt me more when we're together
you make me feel alone when we're together
you make me feel unimportant
you make me feel Im begging for your love and attention by keeping "her" in your life
you make me feel ugly when you dont want people to know youre with me
you make me feel stupid when you never run to me first when youre in need
you make me feel little when you insult me
I know I made mistakes too. Real bad ones. Because like you, I also am no saint. I would never take it against you if you had to throw those mistakes in my face over and over. I will never tire of every ridicule and insult I have to take from you - I deserved it.
The one thing I can never take are the hurtful words you lashed at my heart for the mistakes I never made. I know right now you feel strongly about your opinion. That you cannot be mistaken when you say that I committed those things that hurt you. And although I never did them, I still would like to apologize. I'm sorry for hurting you with something I never did. Because like you, I also never meant to hurt you, I only meant to love you.
God, Allah, Buddha, Karma - whoever moves you, I know HE will make a way to open your heart. In due time, you will know the truth. HE will find a way to let you know the things I really did to hurt you, and the things I never did that still hurt you. I believe in the power of prayer. HE answers.
I believed you when you said you never meant to hurt me, that you only wanted to love me.
I believed you when you said you love me. That is why I stayed. Because I believed you. And yes, because I love you.
So I hope you can also believe me when I say I love you, but I have to leave you.
Baby I'm sorry, I have to walk away. I have to say goodbye - for now at least. Or maybe for good. I do not know. I have no hold of what the future brings. All I can do is wait to see what happens next.
And as hard it is to believe, it broke my heart to pieces to choose to leave you. It is true when they say that the greatest torture you can do to yourself is to leave someone at a time that you're loving them most. My choice to separate ways, to leave you, to break up with you may look like that I don't love you anymore. But me and my heart have known each other for a lifetime, I know when it lies to me. And my heart tells me I still love you.
It pains to be away from you, but it hurts just as much when I'm with you. When the never-ending fights never seem to stop, when you never seem to listen to my feelings when you hurt me, when you never seem to understand what I need to be happy, when you never seem to care if I don't feel any security from you, IT HURTS TWICE AS MUCH THAN WHEN WE'RE APART.
You said lets work it out together.
"Why suffer being apart fixing our hearts cut wide open, when we can heal and fix them together?"
Well, we didn't. We never fixed it. We never did.
"WE" used to fix "US" together. Now, its time for "You and I" to fix "Me and You" - apart.
If you and I were meant to become "us" once more, we will find each other. I believe that the universe always conspires to bring two destined people together. Always, always, always.
This might be the worst decision I have ever made.This might be the biggest mistake of my life - giving up on us. I may have given up on us - but I finally stopped giving up on me.
I'm too bruised up to keep fighting. Fighting you. Call me selfish for leaving you, I will understand. But I have to be selfish. For this is the only way I know to heal me. When every formula to fix us together didn't work, its time to heal me and you apart.
Life and heart under repair...
Maybe someday we'll be back soon. Or maybe not. Only HE knows.
Thank you for everything. Good and bad.
And yes, there's someone else now that I love more than you - me.
Because the sad bitter truth is...
The only way to start loving me, is to stop loving you...
Goodbye.
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